Not Quite That Part
by Silver33650
Summary: Well, almost. Wheatley has a different sort of surprise for Chell and GLaDOS.


"I'll bet you're both... _dying_ to know what your big surprise is. Well, only _two_ more chambers."

"We're running out of time!" GLaDOS hissed from her perch on Chell's gun. "I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along."

Chell entered the next chamber, staring suspiciously at the pitch black walls. A lone cube bounced on an aerial faith plate, with a button beyond next to the exit. She stopped.

Something was off.

This test didn't require portals. It was absurd. True, she had done tests without them, but it was the most basic testing element. A test without portals was like... like a...

Chell frowned as she studied the aerial faith plate. That exit probably was false. It probably didn't go anywhere, and he planned to kill her now. But if GLaDOS had a plan...

She stepped on the plate, shocked when it flung her sideways.

"_Surprise!_ We're doing it now."

Chell was fuming as she landed in the excursion funnel, and she thought she heard the potato fizzle out for a second.

"You probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore! Found two little robots back here, built specifically for testing!"

"Oh no," GLaDOS gasped. "He's found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up with to phase out human testing just before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair."

The funnel disappeared, and they fell onto a panel that flung them through a narrow gap between two walls.

"Well," GLaDOS said bleakly, "this is the part where he kills us."

They landed on a lone platform in the midst of several crushers, where Wheatley, eyeing them curiously from several huge monitors, asked, "Kill you? Why would I kill you?"

Chell glanced at the potato in confusion before looking back to Wheatley's enormous form in even more confusion.

"Well," GLaDOS said, "you are going to kill us, right? That's what all those poorly disguised threats were in those horribly unsubtle metaphors, right?"

Wheatley's optic widened. "What? No. No!"

"Oh, come on," GLaDOS continued wearily. "'You're going to love it to _death_. You'll love it till it _kills_ you, till you're _dead_.' 'I'll bet you're both _dying_ to know what your big surprise is.'"

"What? No! I was trying to communicate the, ah, general gravity of the surprise. Because it's very surprising, I think, and I was just trying to make sure you got how surprised you were supposed to be. And I suppose it worked, because you are very surprised, aren't you?"

Nobody spoke.

"I give up," GLaDOS sighed.

"All rightey then!" Wheatley said cheerfully. "So, my surprise for you, love, is that I've got a question for you. Since you're not going to be doing any more testing, I thought that we could come to a little agreement."

Chell raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"No, no, don't get worried! It's a good one, really, trust me!"

"If I recall correctly, the last time she trusted you," GLaDOS commented dryly, "you pounded her into an elevator shaft, moron."

"I! AM NOT! A! MORON!" Wheatley said, writhing angrily. "Just listen, all right! I am TRYING very HARD here to be CALM and ask you a SIMPLE question. You know, I don't HAVE to do this. Since you mentioned it, I COULD just kill you now and be done with it. Honestly. I'm starting to think that's actually a better idea, because you are TRYING MY PATIENCE!"

His optic had narrowed to a rageful slit, and for once, GLaDOS was silent. Chell's expression hadn't changed.

"Now," he sighed, regaining a semblance of composure, "that I have your undivided attention, I wanted to talk to you for a moment, if I may. I'll be honest, the testing has been a bit of a failure so far, for both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to utter exhaustion, or something. So I just wanted to give you the chance to, ah..." He started darting around, as if avoiding Chell's gaze. "To ah... You see, I'm not very good at the whole building tests thing, as I'm sure you'll agree, so I just wanted to give you the option of helping me build them. I think you'd be good at it, what with all the practice you've had, solving them. You know. And you'd have this job for a while. Forever, if I'm being honest. Asmywife."

Chell's eyes widened.

"What was that?" GLaDOS snapped.

"Well, ah, you know..." He laughed awkwardly. "I just think it'd be easier for me if I knew you weren't going to be going anywhere because, you know, you'd married me. There won't be a big ceremony, not anything fancy. In fact, it's probably illegal. Didn't really take the time to look that up. But I'm sure it's fine, no worries, then. But uh... I mean, I don't see the problem in helping out around here, seeing as She wouldn't let you leave either, but you know... At least I'm giving you a more realistic option here. I mean, I could just kill you. That'd probably be easier. But now I have these robots, and I don't think you're against killing robots, are you? We can just rebuild them, after all."

Chell was expressionless. GLaDOS suddenly broke into laughter.

"You really are a moron!" she said. "There's no way she would go for that. Did you think she just forgot how many times you've tried to kill her?"

"Oh, like you're any better?" Wheatley shot back. "I'll bet it's real flattering being stuck on the portal gun like a cheap Christmas ornament. She's probably enjoying it after all the times YOU'VE tried to kill her. I'm honestly amazed she hasn't tried to eat you yet. Haven't you considered it?" he added, glancing at Chell desperately, who hadn't moved except to shift her weight from one leg to the other.

GLaDOS sighed. "This is such a waste of time," she told Chell. "It's not like agreeing to this will stop this whole place from exploding, after all."

"It is NOT going to explode!" Wheatley roared. "I fixed it. Fixed it! It's all fixed!"

An ominous rumble shook the facility, and he twitched anxiously. "Well, you know, I thought the tremors were worth keeping in," he explained halfheartedly. "Brings a little more atmosphere to the place, you know? Solve a test, get a free little rocking motion. Thought it was a nice touch. Anyway." He stared at Chell expectantly. "You have an answer yet? Because, we don't exactly have all day now. I mean, the longer you wait, the more I want to kill you, and just be done with it. You are really not an easy person to work with. Should've known, really, after you failed to catch me in our first few minutes together. Never completely got over that. Sort of rubbed me the wrong way, you know? Not the best way to start our friendship. And the way you're going now isn't a great way to finish it, either, so if you could just give me a heads up about your decision, that would be great. Any time now, you know. Just, feel free to shout it out."

"Oh for the love of God..." GLaDOS muttered.

He waited, turning sideways slightly. "It's really not a hard question. Although I'm sure you're saying to yourself, why should I say yes? What's in it for me? Well, besides the obvious 'not dying' part, which I'm sure you've latched onto already, at least, I certainly hope you have, but there's also, ah, spending lots of time with me!"

"That sounds more like a nightmare," GLaDOS noted.

"You stay out of it," Wheatley hissed. "But seriously now, I'm a nice old bloke! I mean, those tests weren't that hard! You're still alive, aren't you? ...You are still alive, right, you haven't... I mean, you're not dead, right?" He looked concerned. "No, of course not. What was I thinking... Anyway, we've had some times, haven't we? Like that time I jumped off my management rail, not sure if I'd die or not when I did, and all you had to do was catch me? Annnd you didn't. Did you? Sorry. Just can't let that go. I mean, I've been really civil to you, really forgiving, not holding it against you until now, and you're still just ignoring me. You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existence to exacting revenge. Luckily, I'm a bigger person- er, sphere, than that. Swap that in. Much more clever. Books. Anyway. I'm happy to put this all behind us for a long lasting, successful partnership."

"Hey! That was my line!" GLaDOS said, miffed.

"Not entirely, not entirely!" Wheatley said nervously. "Anyway. Look, I can tell you're having a hard time with this decision, so I'm going to lay the cards on the table here... I've been sorting through some of Her old files, and I think I've found a way to turn you into a robot, just like me!"

Chell blanched, but he kept going.

"So then you can live forever too, and you won't have to worry about all that dying nonsense-"

Without warning, Chell shot a portal at the patch of wall covered with conversion gel, shooting a connecting portal on the white wall near the catwalk.

Wheatley's optic narrowed. "What... What are you doing? Are you trying to escape?"

The conversion gel coated the platform with a plop, and Chell shook herself as she aimed the portal gun at her feet.

"Ohhh no you don't!" he cried. "See, I actually did plan for this. Just need to... to... Start the machine, start the machine, start the machine..."

But Chell was already gone as the crushers activated, and Wheatley howled in fury.

"Where'd you go? Come back! COME BACK!" he pleaded. "No, seriously, do come back."

After the speech he'd just given, she didn't spare a backward glance.

"All right, love, you asked for it!" he called angrily as she ran off. "Well, you didn't actually ask for it, considering you refuse to say a word to anyone, what with your supposed brain damage and all, but regardless, _this is the part where I kill you_!"

"See?" GLaDOS said smugly. "I told you he would act like this."

Chell rolled her eyes and kept running.


End file.
